


her exit is not made equal

by the_accidental_horcrux



Series: stitched with her colour [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Hurt No Comfort, dark taako, not an ounce of kidding in my body, this is so incredibly sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:42:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25096297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_accidental_horcrux/pseuds/the_accidental_horcrux
Summary: what if lucretia wasn’t as thorough when erasing taako’s memory?maybe the thought of stealing his sister from him was too hard, maybe she was just tiredit doesn’t matter
Series: stitched with her colour [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1817572
Comments: 9
Kudos: 18





	her exit is not made equal

**Author's Note:**

> _Separation by W.S. Merwin_
> 
> _Your absence has gone through me_  
>  _Like thread through a needle._  
>  _Everything I do is stitched with its colour._

basically:

-what if lucretia wasn’t as thorough when erasing taako’s memory?

-maybe the thought of stealing his sister from him was too hard, maybe she was just tired

-it doesn’t matter

-what happens, though, is that everything is taken from taako anyway

-lup is still missing

-his memories are stolen

-barry dies

-but taako knows, he **knows** he’s missing someone

-on good days, he can remember his sister’s face, her laugh, her walk, her jokes, her **love**

-on bad days, he can’t even remember her name

-most days, though, he remembers just enough to know his other half is out there somewhere

-he has a resentment in his chest

-for the director, maybe, though he doesn’t remember her at all

-for the world, how it took his sister away

-for the brief memories that float through his mind of things that don’t make sense

-(he shouldn’t remember space, or have vivid memories of a different sky)

-he thinks he’s losing his mind

-in this world, taako leaves the starblaster when he sees barry fall

-he knows he has to get out of there and fast

-he’s an accomplished wizard, even if he’s forgetting it quicker and quicker

-he jumps from the starblaster, remembering just enough to land him safely on the ground

-(beside barry’s body, though he doesn’t remember him now)

-he gets himself to the nearest town

-it’s phandalin

-and he makes a life there, slowly

-quietly

-he’s biding his time against an unseen enemy

-he’s biding his time against **two** unseen enemies, really

-so he writes down everything he can remember, every bit and piece

-(in another life, lucretia would tease him, tell him he’s trying to replace her)

-somewhere along the way, he loses himself, too

-between pages of notes, of looking for his sister

-he loses himself in it all

-(it’s ten years later, and he hasn’t met up with his brothers)

-(he doesn’t **remember** his brothers)

-instead, he’s been busy

-busy getting ahold of a gauntlet that feels like **home** , like his sister

-he doesn’t use it right away, doesn’t know why

-but it’s there, like a comforting weight at the back of his mind, calling to him

-(there never is a mission from gundren for merle and magnus, they don’t meet in this timeline, not yet)

-(these are the casualties of war)

-later, when he’s having a good day, his mind thinks back to the cave he found the gauntlet in

-the skeletal body

-the red robe

-the umbrella

-and his heart stutters because oh god that’s his sister

-he decides to test it, in the end

-the sleek black circle in place of a small town reminds him of something

-he can’t quite place a finger on it

-it fuels his anger, though

-(maybe later, he pauses to wonder how he survived)

-he ends back up at the cave

-for the first time in ten years, he cries

-his sister is right there beside him now, but she died all alone

-he cries because it wasn’t supposed to be this way

-(at the back of his mind, he thinks she isn’t really gone)

-(he can’t remember why)

-he thinks he’s losing his mind

-his hand is wrapped around the handle of the umbrella

-(umbrestaff, his mind supplies. he doesn’t know why)

-and beneath his fingers, he feels the thrum of his sister’s power and he’s grateful

-he dreams, most nights

-he dreams of things that make him wake up screaming, but he doesn’t remember why once he’s lucid

-more than once the image left with him is that of a small stone, tossed in a well

-he always feels like he’s missing something more than his sister

-(he finally had closure, why does it make him feel worse?)

-the bureau takes notice of him

-(he doesn’t know that’s what they’re called, his mind only giving him static when he tries to think too hard about it)

-(and lucretia doesn’t know it’s taako that’s gone on a rage, not yet)

-(but when she does find out, she’ll learn that it’s harder than she thought it would be to look at him again)

-taako gets ahold of a sash that can make thunder clap so loud whole towns crumble

-(he doesn’t know why it doesn’t kill him, he doesn’t ask)

-he doesn’t know the name of the sash, or why it feels familiar like the gauntlet

-(his mind thinks **seven** but he doesn’t know why)

-he’s filled with rage, for his sister, for the world

-and he’s killed people now

-not that it makes a difference

-the first time a bureau agent comes to get him, he laughs in her face and snaps his fingers

-there’s a small black circle where a tall orc once stood

-(in another world, the same orc would have been a friend, a **confidant** , even)

-the second time, it’s a man who introduces himself as brian

-he makes taako laugh, and they bond

-he doesn’t know that this is an agent out for his life

-they can work together

-they **do** work together, with brian bringing all the knowledge of the bureau with him

-with carefully worded discussions, taako is made aware of their existence

-and it throws him into a rage

-by the next day, ten cities are destroyed through natural disaster

-and three more towns fall to black circles

-he cries for a second time when he wakes up to brian’s knife at his throat

-the third agent they send after him is angry

-he knows it’s an agent immediately, the cuff around her wrist glinting in the moonlight

-he had killed her girlfriend, he was told

-he killed his boyfriend, too, he told her back

-she dies by a carefully thrown dagger

-her last words are “at least killian will be waiting for me”

-he doesn’t know what to think about that

-he got his hands on a stone that can turn anything into anything else

-it feels like him

-more him that he is now

-he thinks he’s losing his mind

-he meets up with a man named barry bluejeans the day after he condemns a town, turning the whole thing into ice

-the man is refreshing

-he’s too kind, but he feels familiar

-he talks about a wife he lost, he can’t remember her name

-taako, in turn, talks about his sister

-it’s a bad day, he can’t remember her name either

-(in another world, maybe they remembered together, maybe things could have been alright)

-he holds three powerful objects

-eyes open in the sky

-(the chalice is stuck in refuge)

-(the staff is with lucretia)

-(the bell is in wonderland)

-(the monocle is missing)

-somewhere along the way, taako starts begging for death

-he causes chaos

-upon chaos

-upon chaos

-but the items don’t hurt him, they can’t

-(he wishes they would, he wishes it would end)

-he meets kravitz on the same day he meets a man named magnus burnsides

-the man with a cockney accent tells him he’s died more than once, and that he needs to pay his dues

-the other man, magnus, says it’s impossible

-taako asks if death will be permanent this time

-there’s something sad about his words

-broken, even

-so kravitz offers to explain as best he can

-he notices the umbrella, first, though

-the lich inside

-the umbrella is broken, and out comes a spectral form, a column of flames

-the day that taako meets kravitz and magnus, he meets lup again, too

-he cries for the third time with his sister beside him, telling him she’s there

-things would end with taako thinking he’s finally lost his mind completely

-and then he'd die in a reflection of magnus

-surrounded by the people who knew him better than himself 

-but way too young 

-with so much stolen from him

-and not everyone who needs to be there 

-and no love formed between him and a man who would make him love himself more than he thought possible

-lucretia would become even more hollow than she had been before

-barely eating, barely sleeping

-she lived to collect the relics

-(and by god, when she couldn’t, it killed her)

-and lup, the lich, would lose control over her emotions after being freed

-after seeing her brother **die**

-because she was **right there** , taako, right there

-god, taako, just listen, it’s me, lup

-and then to top it all off, magnus burnsides, all alone, remembering nothing 

-he would have to kill the woman he thought his sister

-(in another life this reunion would have been joyous)

-(in this life, it’s not)

-by his own hand, she would have to die

-after just finding her and not knowing it

-(because she's burning, **burning** , everything is on fire and he needs to stop it)

-(but oh how useless it all is in the end because the hunger **is still coming** )

-davenport would never reconcile with the great captain he once was

-instead, he would be left to make sense of the world all on his own, as the months tick down to the arrival of john

-his leader is dead and he can’t bear to think anything but his own name

-(it would have driven him crazy had he had the brain capacity)

-merle would stay alone

-never would he reconnect with his kids

-never learned of the hope he brought people

-instead, he thinks himself a failure

-(right up until the day he dies, though that’s not so far away, now)

-angus mcdonald would live and die alone

-with the memory of his grandfather, whose name died before he was born

-no mentor to teach him magic, no one to call family at all

-(not even the comfort of forgotten love will grace him)

-(he never even got that) 

-and when a year rolls around, and the light of creation is scattered

-(and how poetic that is, isn't it, because each beacon of hope for humanity is scattered now, too) 

-and the hunger **consumes**

-there is no escape

-the starblaster is grounded 

-there is no last flight

-and all hope is snuffed out like a candle

-this world doesn’t end with the boom of sonic flight

-it doesn’t end with grim determination to save the next world

-no, this world whimpered out like a kicked puppy, and no one was around to save it

-but that hasn't happened yet

-no, right now, taako is sat next to his sister who he can barely look at lest the static in his mind take over

-his sister who he lost

-his sister who must be a ghost, she can't be here, he saw her body

-(he watched as it crumbled to dust)

-and around him are strangers

-and yet he feels at peace

-he thinks he’s lost his mind

-until the man with the sideburns and bushy beard makes to attack

-and taako is just so tired

-and lup is there

-but not really

-and kravitz is there

-but not in the way he should have been

-and one of the men he loved like a brother is there

-(sword drawn, face drawn into a grimace)

-but not the other two

-not his little sister

-(the thought makes his gut churn, why?)

-just end it, he says

-the death reaper nods solemnly

-there is no love in his eyes

-(there never will be)

-lup is screaming at him, but he knows its all in his head

-(taako it’s me, just look at me, see **me** )

-end it now or i'll end us all, he says

-he barely gets the words out before it's over and he's breathing his last breath

-taako cries for the last time when his breath stutters to a stop, he sheds a single tear

-and he isn't there to witness the chaos that follows

-no, finally, taako has peace

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sorry. well, i am, but that's neither here nor there. i might make this into a fully blown story eventually but i thought i'd just share my grief with the world first. welcome to the hell that is my affectionately named "dark taako au".


End file.
